1. Book no rooms for meetings under any circumstances. Rooms are better off being used for something else. It follows that any space reserved for a single meeting is not being utilized to its fullest and best potential. Stationery cabinets, cloakrooms, and additional working spaces for staff are all desperately needed in the modern office. If people must meet, which we hope they won’t, let it be in the closest free restroom stall, the elevator, or the hallway. When it’s really icy, rainy, or both, let it be outside during the winter. While some may find these measures to be harsh, the fact that you failed to reserve a room for the meeting in question will ensure that minds are focused and that meetings are brief, leading to few actual actions. This outcome is commendable.
2. It hardly needs to be said, but don’t reserve any catering. Any meeting you are compelled to attend will be extremely brief as a result, and even worse, the minutes will be brief. Before I started working as a Fly-by-Night Meetings Secretary, I used to make sure everyone had enough coffee, tea, biscuits, sandwiches, and occasionally even cake to restart the tragic Titanic. Thankfully, my eyes were finally opened when I completely forgot about catering one day. After the inevitable wave of venomous complaints, everyone got to work, rushed through the agenda, and quickly produced the action list. My life completely changed as a result of this revelation. I was astounded by the number of meeting attendees who claimed that they only ever attended meetings in the first place because there was such a wide variety of catering available and it was the only location in the entire company where they could get a free coffee. Some of them, in fact, were just passing by from the street and didn’t even have any affiliation with the company. How much I learned that day was truly amazing! After that, I never placed another catering order, and my job as a secretary for fly-by-night meetings has been much simpler ever since. However, I accept that I may have encouraged many people to live a secretive lifestyle of eating somewhere else.
3. Never ever keep your paperwork organized. Don’t even attempt to have it. If a coworker who is being overly accommodating dares to send you papers they may want to discuss at any meeting, ignore them and delete the email as soon as you can. Without a doubt, never bother printing any paperwork. We now live in a paperless society, so by refusing to print anything, you can be sure that you are helping the environment. Do not store the email or communication in the proper location unless you have a compelling reason to keep it. You can be certain you won’t ever come across it again in this manner. Deny all knowledge and place the blame on the computer or network if the coworker later objects and provides evidence that they did, in fact, send it to you. On the other hand, you could produce the paperwork in such a shoddy manner that no one ever asks you to do so again, which is preferable both. I created a series of PowerPoint slides for a potential external client at a previous IT consulting job and delightedly sent them off with the consultant in question for his crucial meeting. I do recall wondering why all those comical lines were dancing across the slides and across the page, but I just assumed it was a fresh, artistic, and undoubtedly very contemporary way to present our case. Sadly, it was just an oversight that I had missed, and the consultant in question never really got over it. Of course, we didn’t get the job because that specific potential client didn’t pick us. Definitely a spectacular failure!
4. Never bring pens or paper with you. Paper should be avoided at all costs because it does not fit the image of the paperless office. There is never a need to take notes because if someone in the meeting needs to discuss something extremely important, someone will remember it and whose job it was to take action. Modernity is important. If you must bring paper, make sure it’s the smallest size you can find (up to three single small post-it notes), and make sure everyone knows this is all you have. They will be able to talk only when absolutely necessary thanks to this. Similarly, you don’t need to bring any writing instruments with you, including pens, pencils, or even – shudder – laptops if you’re really cutting edge. If you must write notes on your extremely tiny post-it notes, do so in the chairperson’s sweat or blood. Unless it’s your own blood and sweat. That would be extremely impolite, and a Fly-by-Night Meetings Secretary needs to always look their best.
5. Do not pay attention in meetings! In fact, keep your headphones on throughout the entire meeting. This will keep you from hearing what is happening, making it impossible for you to record anything. Make sure the headphones are connected to some music station as an added incentive to help you concentrate by effectively blocking out the background noise of your coworkers’ conversations. The worst thing you can do in situations where someone is speaking particularly loudly is to accidentally overhear something and then, horror of horrors, actually become interested in what might be going on. Never use an excuse for not being interested. It is not appropriate for a Fly-by-Night Meetings Secretary to act in this manner.
6. Really, don’t bother writing anything up. Because the faster you finish this, the more likely it is that someone will ask you to minute another meeting, which is the last thing you want to happen. Or, if you must complete it quickly (for example, because you have just won the lottery or are leaving on vacation and don’t plan to return), make sure to write it so poorly that no one will ever ask you to do it again. The pinnacle of my career as a fly-by-night meetings secretary, I have to admit, came in the first few days of an IT consulting position. I remember being asked to take notes at an all-day (all day!) technical meeting offsite. Although the coffee at the venue was more than adequate, I spent the entire time confused and scrawling the words Help Me on the shorthand notebook I was using to jot down my colleagues’ advice along with a ton of acronyms and jargon I had no hope of understanding. However, it must be said that everyone was very gracious. The following five days were then spent by me attempting to write down what I thought might have been happening in a vaguely comprehensible manner. Two days after I’d finally given it to the boss, after waiting over a week, he came up with his own, much more accurate account of what had happened. Although I don’t believe I’ve ever quite reached those dizzying heights of incompetence again, I feel very proud that my attendance and efforts were completely pointless. I’ve tried, but believe me.
7. Never do this, you say smiling. You can get yourself into all kinds of trouble in life by smiling and appearing overly ecstatic. Additionally, it will result in you taking more minutes at meetings than your grumpier coworkers. You’ll soon become the type of Fly-by-Night Meetings Secretary that no one ever actually sees in a meeting room; smile at your peril. It’s far better to practice a stern or even crazed expression whenever anyone approaches you. Good luck!
